Here Blogs Zoe

Sooo....

2008-09-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently he's not seeing anyone else. And he was quite adamant on the point - which makes me think he wants us to be 'us.' I told him he didn't have to answer me and he could do what he wanted to, but he said he wanted to answer to me - if that makes sense. So does this mean he is reassuring me he isn't seeing anyone? And saying he doesn't want to see anyone else? Hmmm... ponder ponder.

Been meeting some pretty cool people lately - a hot barista in the local coffee shop - we'd be adorable together. Both of us with artsy bohemian jobs. He's also like, 6'5" so I could show him off to Matt. Wait, reminding myself of English Boy! Gosh. This is hard. No, not as hard as I thought it would be. I miss him.
And this guy writing a book in said coffee shop, very cool talks with him and his odd friends whom I love already.

Went to my great uncle's wake - brought up my feelings on religion. Oh well, thats another talk. Actually I just wrote a paper on it for my narration essay for English.

Yesterday evening I beaded at the store and talked to Jolene and her friend Collin, whom I like a lot. He said I talk like a writer, which I love. They're both really sweet. And I got a raise. woot.

Going to France in April. I'm really excited, I feel in control of my life.
And what goal is life if not control over one's own? If thats not freedom I don't know what is. Not there yet, but getting there.

My friends are being a little bitchy. But I don't really need them at the moment.

As long as you know you're right in here you can play the game until you can get out of what you need to be there for. So thats what I'm doing. Ill look blankly at all these things I know are wrong and just do what I have to, and behind it I'll know what I'm thinking, and I'll know what I'm doing it for, and I don't need anyone else to know.

Still - happy saturday. Got my paper typed, going to a local band concert tonight.

Find Peace.

-Z

Its Been and Age and Three Quarters

2008-09-12T23:12:00.001-07:00

Let me catch you up, lightning bugs.

Summer was very nice. Still a bit of drama with Ex, but he's still getting over it. English boy and I had a lovely time in South Carolina. More in common than I thought in a sort of self-mutilating kind of way. TMI already, so moving right along. Missing him greatly (he's back in England, coming back probably in October some time) though I think he's been seeing someone. We agreed we didnt have to pass up hook up oppertunities for each other, but I feel like he was planning on seeing her when he went back, which hurts a bit. I know we're so far apart so it'd be ridiculous to wait for each other, but I thought we could at least be emotionally invested. Well, we'll see.

I'm really enjoying my french class, and I'm trying to go on my school's french trip in April.

AP World History, AP Enlgish, and AP Biology have been tough but I'm holding my head above the surface so far. I love english - we're reading a book on writing style and it is massively helpful - Writing With Style. For summer reading we also read Moral Animal by Robert Wright which I love. Its about evolutionary psychology and how it connects to the differences in men and women when it comes to sex and marriage, and about parental and sibling affection, and other good stuff like that and how it relates to natural selection. Really a great book, put in a way that anyone can understand (if they take the time to read it).

The Ex has asked someone else out I hear, which is making me a little boiling-with-jealousy. So I may have to assert my dominance one last time before letting him get over this. Maybe I can work out a friends-with-benefits deal. Maybe he'd be my friend again, I really miss him in that respect.

Since reading the writing style book for English, I've been trying to improve my writing (not right here, at this moment, this post is kind of all my thoughts, not energy for good writing at the moment) so I'll be working on it from now on.

What else what else?
Creative Writing I is another enchanting class. We're writing a Cento at the moment (taking lines from other poems and making one of your own). At first I didn't like the project, but I think I like my nearly finished product - I'll post it when it's done.

Te begining of the school year was a bit turbulent. But I think it's evening out. I like being in school (sort of). Still cant wait til I'm out of this place.

Decided I'm definitely not living in the U.S. when I get done with college.
More on this later. Too tired now.

With Love,

Zoe

Life's Not That Bad Maybe!

2008-07-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

Well I went out with two really good friends of mine, Matt and Alex (code names aren't worth it anymore) and it was really a fun time!

I feel like my little circle of friends is always bored together, or at least I look at our repetitive nights negetively. We never stay out too later because half of my friends have curfews or annoying parents, and everyone's too much of a pussy to lie to their parents once to say we're sleeping over somewhere and instead got lost in a city all night.

But tonight was very fantastic! It started off normal, just dinner, went to this coffee shop, awkwardly saw a (really crappy) band play, and ended up sitting in a parking lot talking. We stole a safety cone, but then Alex had to go (just realized he stole the cone from us!) and then Matt and I just talked for a while about everything and then drove to 7 11 at 2:00 am and it was great. It was the first really good talk I've had in a while.

He told me that his summer wasn't really busy, and he wasn't partying every night or seeing tons of people, he was just enjoying being home, doing casual stuff, and really just relaxing. This makes me so much less depressed about my lack of motivation to get out and have a crazy summer. Maybe we're just supposed to enjoy our friends, and talk, and relax. Maybe.

Peace.

On Fencing...

2008-07-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

So I just ranted about this on my fencing blog. All my fencing friends are just getting home from Summer Nationals in San Jose, CA and I'm very bitter on it. I was a point away from qualifying to go too! And I blame the ref entirely. I hate that when you work your ass off for something, you're beating the person who was just about to beat you, even then they'll find a way to screw you over. Well go read the post on that page if you're interested in the details, its the post 'Bitter' which really says it all, haha.

Fencing has its own little world; some people are so manipulative, and you have to know the right people and choose you're enemies carefully. Sometimes its good to have an enemy, because it's easier to intimidate them. But making the right friends is important too. Sometimes, If they know they'll make top 6 ( in order to qualify in such a tournament) they can through a bout to make the numbers right and put you in the top 6 too. It hard to see these thigns because its all about numbers and knowing who's behind or ahead of you in ranks in each tournament, but if your friend sees it, its awesome of them to give away their third place for a 5th place to let you have 6th place and qualify too.

However, the golden rule is to return the favor whenever possible. No one asks you to lose you're qualification for them, or lose a rank for you, but only when its possible to help someone out. Never help someone out in such away if you're not sure if they'll pay you back. Thats the basic point. Always know who you're friends are (and aren't), and it always come down to an individual sport. Despite connections helping you, you're by yourself ever time on the strip and it's really not about anyone else.

Peace. Go fence.

Wierd Families

2008-07-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

My mom's latest comment on my aunt and uncle:

"I love them, but it's easier to love them when I'm not seeing them."

This did make me hysterical.
What I've learned from them:

Don't go to an all-girls college.
Don't marry for money.
Never make others uncomfortable.
Just because you're perfect, doesn't mean people will enjoy your company.

I've learned not from example, but from mistakes.
Look for happiness, not wealth!

Peace

HEALED

2008-07-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

Last night (or early this morning) around 4, since I couldn't sleep from the caffeine pumped into my blood stream and the horrid headache, so I was wake. And suddenly the sick nasty feeling, all the achy bones and joints, and the headache went away! As if by magic! This reasserts my faith in............................ HARRY POTTER.

Today Is Crap

2008-07-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today is crap.

I was in the hospital for about three hours today, but that part was fine! I'm a rather patient person, and it was okay. However, my mother and sisters are not and complained more than I did, the one with the problem!

Here's the problem: I've had this splitting headache for about three days now. This is the most pain I've ever been in. I feel as though someone is driving a pair of scissors into my head with a sledgehammer. And the pain is coming in waves and argh, I just feel like crap.

So we went to hospital for a CAT scan, which was fun. My mom bitched at one of the nurses, was more impatient than ever and really just annoyed the crap out of me with my two little sisters the entire time, really helping me out the one time I'm sick and in pain. Anyway, whatever mom.

And my forehead is about to open up and my brain is going to fall on the key board.

s.gfzksZBXD
Right there. See, I told you.

I know, that's not funny, but please bear with me. And I'm taking all these medications! Since they determined it's not an aneurysm (which I was really hoping for) and told me its a recurrent migraine I need to take like 9 pills a day and a few glasses of mountain dew. also meaning I won't be sleeping tonight. These things happen at most inconvenient times.

Peace.

Not As Bad As I Thought

2008-07-10T18:04:00.001-07:00

Alright, so I haven't been completely let down or disappointed. My foreign affair hasn't been destroyed, I think he's just having a hard time where he is and misses his family and I'm guessing something else bad is going on and he just needs to work on making himself happy, or at least deal with it.

I think this means I should give him some space and wait for him to want to talk about it. I won't put any pressure on the situation, and I have a feeling when he gets back (about 7 days) it'll be fine and everything. He's also taking forever to get over this little fight we had. Even though I've apologized (despite the fact that I had some justification for starting the fight) but I simply just wanted to let it go and I said sorry first. He didn't say so too, but I really don't want to hold that grudge, its not worth it. I think he's just as in the wrong as I am, but I'm willing to let it go.

So I'll just give it time. When he's here and we can actually see each other things will fix themselves. We both need just a bit of TLC.

Went shopping with my English friend (his sister in fact, whom I've mentioned). Lots of fun. Went to H&M, one of my favorite stores. And I'm getting overly excited for our trip to Kiawah, South Carolina! I don't want to get over-excited so the reality can live up to my expectations, but its so hard!

Peace

Lets see how I'm doing....

2008-07-10T09:59:00.001-07:00

Created by OnePlusYou

Score, bitches.

Wooooow I'm Super Cool

2008-07-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

No really.

Listening to Dashboard Confessional, being a closet-emo. Intentionally depressing myself. What is wrong with that?

Life is the strangest thing. You find something to hope for. Something you can get excited about, something to remind you that there might be more to all of this than thesis papers, half-assed photo collages, sepia-toned points of view, algae blooms, mediocre sex, mediocre love, crappy boring people that don't mind that they're full of crap and boring, money, and day old lemonade you mixed yourself in a drunken stupor. You consider and reason, and think it all up. You make yourself some day dreams to hold out for this thing to come around and live up to all your expectations. And once you do that everything drops fucking dead. It never works out the way you put in your head. Sometimes it turns out alright, but once you make it beautiful and perfect, make its image in the back of your mind and let yourself drift asleep because you can count on something, well then you've jinxed it by that point.

If only I could say half the things I mean, my life would be closer to the way I'm thinking it should be.

Peace. Don't count on it, and don't disappoint yourself. Hold it close, but don't paint it's picture in your brain, just hold it while it's still faceless, so you can love the face it shows to you when it actually happens the right way.

This Has Given Me A Goal

2008-07-09T16:07:00.001-07:00

Created by OnePlusYou

This is less a meter, more of a challenge.
Okay I'm starting a new chapter in my blogging experience. I'm not one to ever turn down a challenge, so here we go. Sorry to all those I offend, but these are just words, and my honor is on the line here. I'm simply a potty mouth in real life, so I should let this aspect of my personality shine through.
I also don't think many kids read my blog, and if they do...go away please.

Damn you, cuss meter! Damn you!

oh I mean, fuck you cuss meter!

fuckin' Peace.

This Is Whats Up

2008-07-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

So I started two new blogs, one about fencing and one about music and more complaining.
Hope you take a look.

Not sure where I'm at with my English liaison, and yes that is what I'm calling it. Its getting very complicated because our families are friends and I don't think his parents want us to be together because a) they want him to stay in school over in England, b) we'll be apart, c) they don't want everything to be as awkward as fuck. Parents feel awkward so easily! Sure, everyone will know what's going on, but its something to laugh about and mostly ignore.

Anyway, I'm trying to leave it alone until he comes back (in about a week) for the rest of the summer. I don't want to push things and there won't be any huge relationship developments over our internet conversations. So when he's back we'll see how we both feel and what the hell to do about all this.

I'll be a little mad if he comes back and all of a sudden decides he's not interested - I'm missing some prime rebounding time after breaking up with my boyfriend. I could be out having a crazy time since I'm newly single but I'm not. So I've already invested something into this, which is my own fault (also, boys like to allocate blame, especially away from themselves. Rather peeving!) but still.

Ex is being bitter. I feel badly. Sometimes I consider regretting it, but I'm really trying to control my feelings lately and I'm doing a decent job of it so far. I can't say I don't feel cruelly happy when I see on facebook that he went scouting for girls with one of his friends (whom I hate) and got nothing.

I've become okay with being a facebook stalker. I've read Ex's comments (sorry hun) and he's been talking to this girl. Which is annoying, but she's a sophomore whom I don't know. On the one hand I want him to be happy and move on, and at the same time, after all he's done to hurt me, I don't mind seeing that he's struggling too.

I'll have you remember about the ring. In the mail. Remember? If you didn't read that, it's some posts back. Lots of bolded words. Go take a gander.

Anyway, about to start shopping and packing for my trip to South Carolina. Going with English Liaison's younger sister, whom I love so much. She's hilarious. Talks like she's 30 but she's in the 6th grade. Also took on this job teaching two kids how to fence. Really excited for that.

I also decorated my wall with lots of my photos. I think it looks good. I feel very artsy.

I've been reading a lot of atheist blogs, take a look at my blog roll for them. Really good reads. Deep Thoughts is probably my favorite. I admire people who come from Christian backgrounds, but search within themselves later in life and find meaning for themselves. More power to you, never stop asking.

A quote I read in a comment to something written on one of these blogs, sorry I don't remember who said it, I think he was quoting too, nor do I recall the exact words,

loss of religion = opportunity for human progress.

Peace.

My Least Favorite Thing About Overly-Religious People (for today)

2008-07-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

I don't mean all very religious people. Okay, pure faith, they love God, I'm glad that have such a wholesome, unquestioned piece of faith in their lives, because the truth is hope is hard to find, and they've luckily found in it their religion.

However!

I've met quite a few Christians lately (sorry, I can't recall the sub-groups for all of them) who are set on the idea that sex, intimacy, and any sort of physical interaction between unmarried people (men and women of course, because homosexuals are an entire other blog entry) is not only wrong, but dirty and disgusting.

Okay, lets assume for a moment that there is a God. Now if I believed in God (sorry, I don't. E-mail me later.) that I'd go with the faith that God created love. Love and commitment to the people you love. Why are all my crazy Christian (sorry, trying not to be rude and brash.) acquaintances telling me I've sullied my "purity" and dishonored myself by even thinking of men in a sexual way? People must be married in order for them to be in love and committed to each other? As long as you have respect for one another, intimacy is something to be cherished.

Life is wasted on this "purity" bullshit. And often it comes off as anti-feminist. The whole dogma of this topic (as I've interpreted while being reprimanded for my heathenish desires) is that it's a woman's job to keep her "purity" (they love that word) intact for her husband. Its reinforcing this ancient stereotype that women should be demure, unworldly, perfectly undamaged, virginal gifts for their to-be husbands. Another reason my religious friends give me is that their faith is trying to discourage men from taking advantage of women and disrespecting them. So basically, women are desireless vessels that should only consent to a man after he's married her. Why is it so disrespectful of a man to touch a woman? Marriage doesn't equate respect, just as respect doesn't equate marriage.

A Jewish friend of mine was explaining why in orthodox Judaism a man can't touch any woman he isn't married to. They cry respect, but it sounds to me like a women is eternally potentially dirty and its not worth risking it to touch her at any time (just incase!). If you're not getting this, google it please. I've heard that colleges I apply to check blogs and things and I really should start curbing this post.

Anyway. Keep your religion (it's not even my religion!) out of everyone's car backseats, rest stop bathrooms, best friends' kitchens, laundry room closets, bathtubs, sofas, outdoor furniture, and most of all - bedrooms. Its none of your business in the first place, and who are you to declare marriage as the sole indicator of respect?

Get out there, live your life, make mistakes, and find someone to love.

Peace all. And good night, work unfortunately in 9 and a half hours....

Waaave!

2008-07-04T11:43:00.001-07:00

This is 'The Great Wave of Kanagawa' by Hokusai. Its one of my favorite paintings (actually a wood carving I believe). I suggest finding a larger version of it. It's a wonderful feeling whenever I see this painting. It represents the serenity and power of nature over all else - including humans. It also shows our interconnectedness to nature and it's beauty.

If I decide to get a tattoo, it'll be this for sure. Partly to twist the thorns in my parents' sides, and also because this image means a lot to me. I believe in nature as the greatest force. People lie, religions lie, or at least can never be satisfactorily true to me. But nature never strays - it is power as well as purity and calm. Nature has no lies, and always acts in its, well, nature. I think a lot of tattoos that people get are ugly, and meaningless, and just a bad idea. But if I wanted to make one image a part of my image, a part of my body permanently, it would be this.

Peace.

Roflcopter

2008-07-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Like my title? I do.

I just read Wendy Molyneux's blog, "Fake Interviews With Real Celebrities." I don't know if she'll be reading my blog, and if she does I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning this... oh well, sorry Wendy!

I'm simply hysterically entertained. I read one of her older posts, her therapist dialog. It makes me desperately and impossibly hope that I might be a writer some day. Can one make a living off McSweeny's? Since I know I don't have the attention span for a book. I know I'll have enough awkward erotic encounters, uncomfortable conversations with my parents, droves of stalkers and ex-boyfriends, and accounts of pouring sugar in bitches' engines to write about by the time I'm out of high school and college. And I do assume that my life will be full of quirk and oddity to perhaps entertain others with my escapades retold in witty rhetoric.

But then again I don't know if I'm that funny.... or clever. Damn.
I have trouble combining humor into serious writing. I can write seriously, and I can talk humorously, and even ramble humorously, but I have trouble using humor effectively in an organized work. I guess its something I need to improve on.
Lemme know Wendy.

If I can't be a writer, oceanography would be okay. English major or biology major? I'm so versatile, I know.

Peace.

4th of July

2008-07-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

Celebrating the independence day of the country that would later become the pentacle of materialism! Woot for America!

Might I take a moment to reflect on my mother nation?

-Our president is a dumbass. Sorry republicans, there are plenty other things you can defend about your bloodsucking politics, but the president's intelligence is not one of them.

-We give help and spread democracy, even when no one's asked us to!

-We've tried to convince Africa to stop using condoms (because, naturally, they're against the will of God. Duh!) by denying them humanitarian aid. But they never learn!

-Our government is so great that they're allowed to overthrow other governments and establish dictatorships. Because we know best.

-If you're a country thralled in civil war, famine, or genocide, America will help you! (oh yeah, being bathed in oil is a requirement. sorry Darfur!)

Okay, now I sound like a cynical bitch. Which really isn't too far from what I am. But seriously, I do appreciate the country I live in where I can tell my government I am not happy with them, I can vote, I do not need to hide my face or body in public because I am a woman, I have the same rights are men, I can go to school, I do not live in fear of car bombs or terrorism on my street corner.

America is not perfect, and our citizens are not perfect either. However, we are built on an inspiring and beautiful history, and live in a vibrant and ever-changing society. I may not like everything about my government, but not only do I have the freedom to say so, I am also given the power to change it.

I may not live here forever, but America has offered hope to many. This does not overshadow it's shortcomings or errors along the way, but it does offer a balance.

Peace America, embrace freedom.

The World Is Mine and I Am The World's

2008-07-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine wants me to come visit him in England. (to be honest, he's a bit more than a friend by now, but we'll see...) I really would like to go! Um, but the whole situation is a bit messy.

His family lives here (in the U.S.) and my family and them are really good friends. They have some idea that we like each other, but I also don't want to look like a total tramp since I just broke up with my boyfriend. I sound horrible superficial right now. So much unexpected drama at the moment.

But I also need a break from the monotony of American suburbs. I would love getting out of here for a week! And then I'd fly back here (to the U.S.) at the end of the week, because his family and my family are all going to South Carolina together.

I wish I weren't in the middle of a tense break up. If this came later it would be perfect; help me heal and move on. It's a little bit of bad timing, but I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to explore a new city with this very cool boy that's really sweet and could be a new chapter for me.

This could save my summer! Or my life! I don't know. My islands been a bit sad as of late. It's a lonely island and the ocean hardly speaks.

Shall I take a plunge and risk looking like a rebounding whore? Its been about two weeks since the break up. I still think it's a little soon. Cause I know me and this guy are going to end up being lovers. Fo sho.

I think I should. I'll consult the parentals tomorrow.

Peace. Find love and grab on tightly.

So...

2008-07-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

Left my room, got some grapes.

Mom left. Even she's ditched me!

Its a very lonely summer. Can't wait for South Carolina and fencing camp.
This town is such crap. And I wish I had more hours to work. Good distraction from how mediocre existing in suburbia is.

Peace for now.

I Have Commited Only Two Crimes In All My Life

2008-07-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

It's 2:13 and I haven't left my room yet. He mailed it back. I'm really just crushed. I didn't think I would be.

I try to surround myself with lovely people, but that doesn't usually work out. Everyone has potential to do you harm. Just like I have potential to hurt anyone around me.

I'm trying to be up-beat, so far I've had a depressing summer. But this really isn't working out.

I should start assigning code names to people I want to refer to.... none of my friends from 'real life' read my blog, at least not yet. Maybe I'll send it to some of them. But they don't need to see into the inner confines of my mind. I guess neither do you, reader, but here you are.

I reject your reality and substitute my own. And my own is a box of half eaten chocolates and distorted paper clips.

Peace (in a disenchanted sort of way.)

Angst

2008-07-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely morning: My mom wakes me to open a package in the mail. It was from my ex which did at first confuse me. I felt the small object in the corner of the cardboard package, making a round imprint. That bastard mailed the ring I gave him back to me. He mailed it. He's thinking he's really clever right now, I can tell. He's really a lot less clever than he thinks he is, in general, but don't say you heard it from me.

It was sort of a break up ring, a good bye ring you could say. I didn't get it for him, actually its a ring I've been wearing for about a year, just one of those pieced of jewelry that means something to you and you never take off.

I'm really surprised, and hurt, and just wow. I thought we were remaining friends and I didn't think there'd be this much bitterness.

So I'm plotting my course of action; either I can let it go and hope his ill will blows over, or I can mail him an opened box of condoms and hope his mom goes through his mail. That would be sweet sweet revenge.

Boys are stupid. An actually act a lot more emotionally than a lot of girls. I really can't believe he mailed it to me. In the mail!

Don't be hating. Release all your bitterness to outer space and forget anger at the door.

Peace.

Classical is What I Am For....

2008-07-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

A little pun from that band, anyone know what I mean? I'll just laugh to myself quietly if not....

Anyway, the point - I love British Literature. I took a class of it in school last year and loved it. Jane Austen is one of my favorite authors; its so easy to sit awake at two in the morning, unable to sleep, and read about some intelligent, beautiful, strong-minded women deal with a lack of independence in a male society, confused intentions, pride, prejudice, what have you. (I made a pun again! oh my. I'm on a role).

I love Shakespeare too - Hamlet is probably my favorite so far. I know many people who are intimidated by the plays, but in fact, if you just pay attention, the depth of meaning catapults itself at you. It takes a skilled analyst to see beneath every symbol and double-meaning, but one does not need to recognized every detail Shakespeare has included, thats asking a little to much and is exhausting.

Tocar la Guitara?

2008-07-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

I may teach myself to learn how to play the guitar. Or perhaps some other not-too-hard-to-learn instrument. Don't intend to put down guitarists - just that I've heard from many of them that it not very difficult to learn, or even to teach yourself.

I also have about three weeks before my summer vacation stops being an comatose, unshowered hobo on a park bench. So I need to occupy myself with something other than my biology textbook which spends more time sitting in bed with me than I'm willing to admit.

Ah yes, at the end of this three weeks I'm going to South Carolina, which I'm rather excited for. I'll be there with my family, and two other families, some really good friends of ours from England though they (unfortunately for them) live in New Jersey.

Does everyone named Catherine or Cathrine or Kathrine think they've inherit the capacity for saying MEOW despite the fact that they are not CATS? They are simply called 'Cat' or 'Kat' on occasion by intimate 'besties' they explore their sexual boundaries with.

Sorry. Tangents springing from facebook statii are rarely healthy conversation.

Internet and People Are Lovers In a Sick Sort of Way

2008-07-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Just read Is Google Making Us Stupid? . It makes so much sense, take a look and tell me what you think.

I am a bit skeptical of the internet. I consider myself a 'reader'; I enjoy books very much, I'm always looking for new things to read, but I also fell the skim-option of the itnernet pulling at my mental circuitry.

To combat this, we should all read more! Here's whats on my book list:

Moral Animal by Robert Wright

Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry

The Scribner Anthology of Contemporary Short Fiction

The Inferno of Dante - R. Pinksy translation

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (I'm a Austephile)

The next book is see by Camus

You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen

What are you reading lately? Let me know!

Peace.

Some Men Simply Suck

2008-07-02T12:05:00.001-07:00

Dave Masterson is the single most horrible person I have ever had the chance to hear utter words. He's a delusional, misogynistic, stereotypic, and (unfortunately) charismatic individual. He claims simply that "men are better than women." I have a feeling he was abused as a child. Basically he uses groundless reasoning to explain women's inherent shortcomings, all stemming from their cognitive issue of simply being women.

I would find it impossible to try to explain some of his views on women, but maybe I'll try. According to Dick Masterson (his name is perfect for him):

Women hate sex.
Women want to be abused.
All women are prostitutes.
Women only want to take men's money.
No woman deserves the job she holds.
Women need men to support them.
Women's only purpose is caring for children, and they're terrible at it.

Check out more of his stupid man thoughts that stem from his stupid man head (Sorry, I'm becoming like him!)

I would love to meet this man and show him what a babbling idiot he is. I need to make a confession for all women here: Yes, some women are money-seeking, incapable-of-self-support, incompetent-at-any-job, whores. But that is very few. It is ludicrous, generalizing, and basically wrong to judge every women off the few that possess the virtues or dear friend Dick describes.

Hearing this man speak is a little scary for me. Not because I fear that he is an intelligent being with any basis for anything he says (he talks about aquiring 'man points,' probably to make up for points he lacks elsewhere), but because I know there are gullible minds out there who might take him seriously. My only hope is that all of us intelligent, independent, logical, capable women of the world can weed out the Dicks out there who buy into this misogynistic dogma crap and refuse them to pass on their women-hating genes.

"God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs destroy man. Woman inherits the Earth."
Jurassic Park has got it right.

Letters

2008-07-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

What has happened to writing letters? Brigades of text messages, incomplete-sentenced e-mails, wall 'comments,' instant messaging. While I don't mind using these modes of faceless communication, isn't it more personal to sit down and write someone a lengthy, grammatically correct letter? When I chose to contact someone I care about enough to communicate with I'd like them to get that feeling when one opens a letter with one's name on it, knowing that someone took the five minute walk to the post office for one.

Communication today is filled with less than symbols and threes, representational smiling faces, acronyms, and everyone seems to laugh aloud with their computers more often these days. I don't think we should abandon a written tradition of communication. I have many letters saved from friends and loved ones that mean quite a bit more to me than my facebook inbox list.

Some of the greatest quotes by famous writers and poets come from their letters. For example; John Keats' letters to Fanny Brawne.

"When shall we pass a day alone? I have had a thousand kisses, for which with my whole soul I thank love - but if you should deny me the thousand and first - 't would put me to the proof how great a misery I could live through."

Much of our insight into the great minds of the past are known through their thoughts documented in letters.

To send a letter is to send someone a piece of writing that seals a thought or memory in time. E-mails and texts achieve this in a less lasting, thoughtful way. No one saves the E-mail you sent telling Mike you're flight gets in a 2:30, but you're two page letter of how much you're missing him and how Montreal is bitter and cold without him will sit at the bottom of his night stand for him to find months, years later.

So I'm going to try to write more letters. I hope you all do to.

Peace.

Decision Time

2008-07-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I need to pick something for my blog! it can't just be a journal for me to complain about suburbia.

I'll be posting pictures of my bead-work, jewelry, and other projects i do with beads. Which I do a lot of. If I see that I'm getting views I'll start making tutorials for those interested in making bead projects of their own.

If I get urges to complain about something in the world, like Global Warming, Star Wars Conventions, deforestation, degradation of American morality, the superfluity of religion....then I'll post that too. Perhaps.

Peace.

Random Pictures

2008-07-01T23:49:00.000-07:00

I love those word magnets. So so much. They make beautiful sentences.

My mirror. Actually this is a bit old, I've changed the christmas lights (they died). Now they're metalicy-bulb-like lights.

This World Is A Lonely Place

2008-07-01T23:11:00.001-07:00

Yes, yes yes it is.

Umm I'm really starting to worry if I rushed into a break up. I was afraid of stalling and settling and remaining unhappy or at least....indifferent.

It's not okay to give up on trying for each other, even though you've been together for a long time, right? That shouldn't be okay! Sometimes it's hard to not fall into complacency, but you should love each other enough to keep things fresh and exciting.

Always be friends with the people you love. Always. If you're not then your posing. If they're not your best friend then you're cheating yourself.

I'm feeling lonely like Pluto. Not a planet. Nor an asteroid. Or other definitive celestial body. In fact, simply to far away for anyone to get up off their gravitational pull to find out.

i really hope someone reads this shit. Really. I'm hoping.

Tomorrow I'll talk about something important, like Global Warming. Promise.

I feel depressed. I want a tattoo. I want someone to sit in this almost too-hot room with and not need to be anything but just sit here and look at them and talk about all the things I used to talk about, everything that used to matter like polar ice caps and the afterlife and Darwin and shit. The important stuff! Who will I be when I'm 35? Should I get married? Should lesbians get married? Yes. The confederate government took all the church bells from cities in the South during the Civil War and melted them down for ammunition, promising the towns two bells back after the war. Cool yeah? They didn't give two bells back.

Where the hell are my bells?

Peace, maybe later. One never really knows. With peace comes bells.

Nothing Special

2008-06-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

Working on AP Biology summer homework.

Didn't make it to yoga, over spelt. Oh well. It's cool.

Things to Do:

DMV, driving school, 6 points of ID

AP European History?

Print AP Worlds assignment

Get Article and Book 2 for AP English

Find YMCA membership

Looong Dayyy

2008-06-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

Worked today. Nice train ride in; the Moral Animal I'm liking, since I'm reading it in nine minute segments on the train to work.

I like working. If I don't do anything exciting with my summer days, at least I've got a lot of hours.

There's a yoga class at 9:15 tomorrow at the Y. Lets see if I make it. Usually I'm the sort of person who would consider doing those sort of things, and even plan on it. But when I'm half asleep at 8:30, when I could either rush awake and get ready or stay in bed for a half hour longer, usually I don't end up going. But I'm trying to change that! Like when I actually made it to the city yesterday. For that clothing swap in Washington Square Park (good thing my friend and I were running around Union Square with three bags of clothing in the rain and heat).

So yes, I'm really trying to go to this thing. Maybe I'll bring Mom. Even though she's being quite the bitch.
Apparently I'm overly critical, and a bitch (as well). And I really can't disagree, but she can still fuck off.

I am lonely and filled with exasperation for school and my future. But at least I'm occupied.

Peace and love. Nothing else.

Today Is a Day

2008-06-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

The break up is rather final now...I hwas hoping he'd find someone else to take his mind off all this quickly, and then that would give us both some closure. But last night I had to tell him someone else really liked me and was waiting for me, and that we had to stop messing around post-break up. He was apparently upset and we haven't spoken since.
You can pick who you like, but not who you love.

Going to the NYC clothing swap today, think it's in Union Square. Should be fun. I love clothes, hate spending money, and have too much clothing around that I don't want anymore. So it's perfect!

Painting my nails blue as well. To match my neon blue and purple leopard tights. I know, I can sense your seething jealousy.

I wish people were simpler. I wish rejection was not the cruelest thing you could possibly do to someone. I wish it didn't hurt that badly.

Peace All.

School Is Stupid

2008-06-27T06:39:00.001-07:00

How crass of me, I know.

But it is. Everything is a grade, and all that matters is the test. Many (not all) of my teachers are bitter and not really interested in teaching me because they're so fed up with all the thick, shallow, spoiled morons I'm in school with. Money is the opposite of evolution. Evolution rigorously tests and molds beings, making them better, reaching to perfection. Money, or at least money one didn't earn oneself, is as excuse to be lazy, and uninteresting, and unoriginal, and gluttonous. It means you don't have to care about anything because you have enough money to care about you and just you.

I got on the topic of money because of the people in my school; I live in a grossly over-privileged part of New Jersey where all we have to complain about is the Mercedes your parents got you for your birthday (you reeeeally wanted a Hummer). Here, there is no such thing as global warming, Obama is an African country you buy coffee from, and no one has heard of the Berlin Wall.

Its these people, really, who ruin high school for me. They treat everyone around them like shit if they don't have over-styled hair, tips, and smell beautifully of Abercrombie and Mike's Hard. They're the ones who don't give a damn about getting in to college, or treating their teachers with any bit of respect, because they don't know what manners are (too much alcohol and hairspray clouding their minds). They make such an unhappy, unkind, uncaring environment that if I were a teacher, I wouldn't give a damn about students either.

There's way too much pressure for college. Too much completition. Its an American thing, I think. Because an Enlgish friend of mine tells me that there is far less stress over the pond around school and getting in to college and having the perfect sparkling resume. Yes, doing things that make you a better, more qualified person are important, but so many people do volunteer with just for college. That makes me sick that the only reason so many people try to service the community and benefit others with their time is so they can further themselves when it comes to getting into college.

I'm so lucky to live in a safe, quiet town, surrounded by wealth. But honestly, if I could trade, I would. This town has no soul, like all the people.

May Day as of 8:43 AM

2008-06-27T05:43:00.000-07:00

Going to school for as little time as possible to hand in this disk i forgot yesterday, my resume to one of my teachers writing me a recommendation, and to pick up a text book for AP European History.

Bowling after for my friend's birthday.

Really tired. Kind of have that hungry, tired feeling in my stomach, you know? The feeling when you just get up and you're starving, but you're to tired and busy to eat.
Yeah, just like that.

Oliver (my girl ferret, poorly named, I know) is destroying laundry.

Peace

Talking to Myself and Others Not Present

2008-06-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

I miss you, really. I do, and I'd rather not. I thought I wouldn't. its hard to see you and not feel guilty and consider regretting this whole thing.
But if I go back now and reverse it all, I know we'll be in the same place in another month.

Boyfriends make no sense. I'm not one of those emo chicks, "he torn my soul out. fuck men!"
nah. Its really my bad. Really, if I was just with whom ever I wanted at the moment, and they didn't have to love me or want me to be with them extendedly, and be together for a year, two months and four days. And get all serious about it. Love is love and I can't change it, and I can't pick who I love. But I can pick who I am with. And I'm not happy! I'm not. it's not all his fault, but I need to try to be happy by myself. He can't do it for me. Its too complicated.

I shouldn't be holding hands driving home! I shouldn't talk to his little brother about the summer. I shouldn't smile at him so often, even if we're friends. I need a week to not want you. I'm gonna see you tomorrow, and you'll touch my hair by accident, I know it. And I'll touch your elbow and we'll end up back to where we started.
Don't cheat, it's not cool. You'll be not really drunk but drunk enough to be stumbly. And he'll tell you its not that big of a deal. But he's wrong. It is. So don't.
Love is love.

Poem 3. And I Just Realized It Doesn't Have to Be Doulbe Spaced.

2008-06-26T22:07:00.001-07:00

World

I am exactly where I am
this very moment.
I am only what I am thinking about.
I am chemicals and coincidence
on ice.
I am nothing but what I have done.
I am thumbtacks in rotting cork.
I am a lonely anarchist.
I am the smallest piece of everything,
surrounded by everything else.
I am the cheap orange street lights.
I am a dirty pair of socks.
I am a Sybil in a glass slowly filling with water.
I am the dirt under your nails
and the ache under your skull.
I am the last day of the world.
I am destruction and your favorite ugly face.

Poem Two. Same Reason As Poem One.

2008-06-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dirt

There is a sky painted inside my head,

I see it when I look there.

On the ground, earthworm tracks,

dirt smells like death and life and guts and rocks.

The world, I feel its curve

under me, and its gentle massive spin.

I am not carrying it anymore,

or at least it is so much lighter.

You are looking, I count the seconds it takes

you to move around the places I imagine you searching.

Not sorry enough to call my name.

Desperate enough to start the hunt.

Just because I am not home does not mean I am lost.

I am never lost.

I am here

Infinitely.

I am the earth under the earthworm tracks.

I am the absence of air just above the atmosphere.

The sky in my face is one color.

It sinks me into the ground, the world. Rocks and guts.

All I am,

rocks and guts.

Matter is never destroyed. It is.

I am only lost if I never was. So Still I am.

Whole and breathing, dirt.

Dirt before it is dirt. I am not lost.

Poem One Because I am Unallowed to Sleep

2008-06-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

Coffee Gives Me Half a Reason to Not Sleep All Day

I was applying for a job at Starbucks.

They asked what I liked about coffee.

I hope someone laughed as they put that question on the application.

I did as I read it.

And as I tried to answer it,

and as I gave up on trying to please the café chain baristas.

One More Thing...

2008-06-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I think at the end of every day, I'll post what I've gotten done. Yeah! This will be a new challenge for me.

So I'll try to do some really crazy, interesting things that I'll want to write about.

I'll also think about posting some of my writing (I do lots of short stories, prose and free verse poetry) if I see that anyone at all reads this. I'm trying to get myself used to letting others see my work.

Alright, so get ready to judge the good times I'm attempting to have.

Peace, and Good Night. Or good morning in Europe.

Last Day.... Sort Of....

2008-06-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

My wildest fears are coming true. I knew this would happen one day!

Alright. So, today was the last day of school, meaning I am the most relieved and care-free girl in all the world. Except for the fact that I must return to school tomorrow to finish returning some stuff to my bio teacher, and get an AP text book. And for the fact that I have three (possibly four) summer assignments. And that I have this sinking feeling that I'm not the person I'd like to be. But that part is minor at the moment.

I'm terribly afraid that I'm going to be bored all summer. I have hardly any tolerance for boredom! None! At all! So I'm thinking up a huge list of things I can do this summer to keep me from my dark, depressed, uninterested corners of my mind.

- starting yoga at the Y. And possibly start going to the gym there.
- hunting on E-bay for a treadmill
- clean out my basement
- clean out my room (and possibly try to locate all the belongings of my recent ex...)
- get into my fencing club's camp
- see if I'm actually doing this fencing job, teaching these kids
- trips to the city
- working in the bead store a lot
- bead more
- write some letters to people I miss but can't call
- blog!
- keep up with photography and continue my journal
- start a photo album
- try to avoid being on the computer for more than an hour a day (because I really should be doing better stuff with my youth)
- have some parties
- open a bank account
- locate 6 points of identification for my learner's permit

This is Shit to Do - Part I. If anyone stumbling upon this and taking time to read it, suggest more things if you'd like!

Seriously, I love getting e-mails from people. Some people are like 'yeah, facebook me! send me emails! i love to hear from people!' but you get the vibe that if they do, you'll freak them out? Yeah, not me. I'm impossible to freak out mostly (thats not a challenge) ....(or is it?) ..... (no really, its not).

Lately I've been feeling like I'm wasting time being tired and fed up with all the dysfunction of my family. Like I should get out there and start something myself, entertain myself. But sometimes thats so hard. School I feel is sometime I'm getting through. And ever time I think that, it makes me hate the way I live! High school is four years. Four years! thats a crazy amount of time to just be getting by. Or just putting your head down and getting through it.

So I've been looking for some changes, like a recent break up with someone I love, but I'm simply not happy with anymore. People keep asking why, and I'm getting tired of explaining. I don't need them to know why, I know why. Thats it. This is my radical, close to failed attempt at being independent and enjoying my last year of high school.

Well I'm done rambling. Lemme know what you're thinking about time and boredom or anything at all.

Peace World.

Work

2008-06-25T17:33:00.001-07:00

Worked today.
Work is long.
I want to meet someone who loves their job.
On of those people.
Hate them.

Many rude children, I must say. I may just not have kids because of this job.

But I really like the store (I work in a bead store by the way). Its the most beautiful place. And the people are genuine and creative.

Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of an anglophile? I try to tell all my English friends that I'm not, that Americans are better. But I know thats not true. Sorry Americans. They have the best accents. And in general just nice people. And some good indie rock bands.

What am I supposed to talk about? Am I supposed to pick a theme topic and enlighten people on it every day? like politics or something?

I'm afraid this may turn into a Zoe rambling place. No wait, it is. Who sees this? and why are you seeing this? If you are, what would you like me to write about?
I'm being a little facetious. Sorry. Still. tell me.

Peace everyone.

Hey There

2008-06-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

I might be in love. Look! I really really love these socks.

Well I think I understand how to blog now! Its always intrigued me. And people who I hear of as" bloggers" I've found mildly amusing too.

Some things you might need to know:

I'm a vegetarian. And unless you're open minded and not a moron who thinks they know more about my body than I do, I don't wanna explain it.

Now I sound mean, sorry. I'm really not.

I love to fence. A lot! I've been fencing for about three years I think. Yes, about three. And its my favorite part of my life just about.

A lot is spelled "a lot" not "alot." Sorry. deal with it, World.

I'm really loving this auto save thing. At first I wasn't sure what was going on.

Im a bit exhausted. And I have my Spanish final tomorrow. Lovely language. Crap to learn. Sorry all you native Spanish speakers.

So I'm really hoping I don't come off as one of those people "I'm an individual, and umm.. if you dont like me, well, too bad! So yeahh... ummm i hope you like me! and my blog! and the clever things i say..."
But now I'm sure I sound like them. Oh well. Alas it is an imperfect world.

Well I've run out of moderately interesting things to say.
Sleep well.

-Z

Tell Me Something

2008-06-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

Heyy World.

I don't really know what I'm up to at the moment.

Um, if your reading this... how? Okay this'll take a bit of time to get used to using...

-Z